even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
