Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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