Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
