Can i not drive my cunt home
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
