i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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