You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
