Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
