2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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