Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Sober January is a disaster.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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