ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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