Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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