This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
