Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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