We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
