I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
