I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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