I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
