meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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