Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
