She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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