I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
