Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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