Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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