wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
