I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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