he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
