Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
