I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate all girls vehemently.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
