Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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