He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
