I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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