p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
