her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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