Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
