ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
