Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
