I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
