i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
