He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
