so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
