The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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