i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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