I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
