I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just forgot I was standing up.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
