My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
