I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
