yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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