what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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