I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
