i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
