I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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